I know what you’re saying. Gourmet pizza, in Chardon? Are you smoking doobies Mark? Alas, I am not.

A few weeks ago the old lady and I were out with our son in beautiful Geauga county when we passed through Chardon Square and saw people waiting on the sidewalk for Noce. My first thought was that they must be giving something away with a John Deere logo on it, we were in Chardon after all.

We were welcomed inside with the rich smell of garlic, down a short hallway to the maitre de’s stand. Once we saw the size of the place, it was no longer a surprise there were people waiting outside. There were maybe 5 or 6 small tables tightly packed into the dining area, everyone of them filled.

Since we had brought a two year old who wasn’t interesting in waiting for pizza, regardless of how awesome it may be, we made the decision to get it to go. Trying decide on just one of the pizzas on the menu was tough, every one of them sounded delicious, but I settled on the sausage-mushroom-gorgonzola-garlic pizza.

Oh shit that was good pizza. All of the topping were of very high quality, especially the sausage which met my ridiculously high “fat man” standards. The combination of all the flavors was perfect with the salty richness of the sausage being cut by the tangy cheese and sweet pieces of roasted garlic. Crispy crust on the thin-side made for an excellent base. One of the best pizzas I’ve had in a very long time.

Check out Noce Pizza in Chardon, they are right on the square.

Noce Gourmet Pizzeria
125 Main St.
Chardon, OH 44024
440-279-0303

• California Pizza Kitchen – Lyndhurst, Ohio
• Master Pizza – Painesville, Ohio
• McNulty’s Bier Market in Downtown Cleveland
• Tasty Pizza – Lyndhurst, Ohio
• Best Pizza in Cleveland – Mamma Santa’s

**Before I get going on the food, a big FU to Marc’s in Coventry. “We don’t give change.” In order to park in your parking lot you need change, but you won’t give it out? You can go and get bent Marc.

I asked our waiter what he recommended with meat in it and he suggested the Curt Burger ($7.50). It’s was pretty weak. As you can see from the picture up there it looked like someone threw it up against a wall before they served it to me. For a cheese burger with bacon, onions and mayo, it lacked any real flavor. I was looking for something luscious and juicy, I didn’t get it.

Others in my party were underwhelmed as well. I tasted my wife’s meat pie and it wasn’t anything special. My friend stopped eating her spinach and mushroom pie half way through because it got “gritty”. That’s not pleasant.

While I’m being negative, our service was horrible. Our waiter must have had something very important going on in the kitchen because he was M.I.A. almost the entire time. At one point we even had to ask multiple people for refills. Maybe it’s because we had kids with us, who knows.

The one bright spot was their french fries. Oooh, those bastards are delicious. Crispy and crunchy fresh-cut potatoes, perfect doused in vinegar. Make sure you order those if you go.

It sucks having a crappy meal at a Cleveland landmark, but Tommy’s was definitely not up to par that night.

Tommy’s Restaurant
1824 Coventry Rd.
Cleveland Heights, OH 44118
216-321-7757

• Harry Buffalo – Painesville, Ohio
• Fatburger – Mayfield Heights, Ohio
• bd’s Mongolian Barbeque – Cleveland Heights, Ohio
• Jac’s – Cleveland, Ohio
• Mi Pueblo – Cleveland, Ohio

Bangkok Thai is on Mayfield Rd in Lyndhurst which is the part after all the exciting stuff and Mayfield, but before all the exciting stuff in Little Italy. It’s in a little strip mall so it’s easy to pass unless you know what it looks like. I’d suggest taking a look at this Google Map street view if you’re not familiar with the area. 

My favorite dish here is the Pad Thai with the clear noodles, medium spicy. It’s so well done, a perfect combination of all the flavors and the medium spice is just right for me. Simplicity is also a plus for this Pad Thai, nothing fancy in it and no crazy garnishes, just what you want when you’re craving those delicious Thai flavors. 

They’ve also got a beef, lemon grass and ginger soup that is spicy enough to flat out kill the H1N1 virus along with most of your taste buds. 

Bangkok Thai has some really excellent standard Thai dishes that I just love. If you temper your expectations on what eating at a restaurant should be, courteous service and whatnot, I’m pretty sure you’ll come out loving Bangkok Thai as well.

**I’d like it to be noted that although I had every opportunity to, I did not once use Bangkok as a pun. But man did I want to. 

Bangkok Thai
5359 Mayfield Rd
Cleveland, OH 44124-2456
(440) 684-1982

• You Stupid American – We Hate Mark
• Winking Lizard – Mentor, Ohio
• Peppermint Thai Cuisine – Pepper Pike, Ohio
• Peppermint Thai Cuisine – Pepper Pike, Ohio
• Mayfield Catering and Restaurant – Go! Bistro

Tony Packo’s – Toledo, Ohio: I’m sure a lot of people reading this have ties to Toledo, but you’re feelings mean nothing to me, so I’m gonna just say it: Toldeo is a freakin’ dump. Hell, even John Denver though the place sucked. That being said, Tony Packo’s restaurant is worth the visit. They specialize in hot dogs (they are actually more like sausages), chili and stuffed cabbage. The place was made popular on M.A.S.H. by Toledo native Jamie Farr and just about every celebrity and politician since then has stopped in for a dog.

Campus Polleyes – Bowling Green, Ohio: Normally the food you enjoyed in college lacks distinction years later when all of the alcohol has left your system, but this is not true for Campus Polleyes. They have a unique offering that I honestly can not believe isn’t on every pizzeria menu across the country: stuffed breadsticks. These huge breadsticks are stuffed with the pizza toppings of your choosing, brushed with garlic butter and served with your choice of dipping sauces. So simple, yet so delicious. My favorite combo: chicken, mushroom and cheese with ranch dipping sauce.

Myles Pizza – Bowling Green, Ohio: Their pizza crust is horrific, just maybe a step above actual cardboard. Just maybe. Yet, I would easily place their pizza in my all time top 5. How is that possible you ask? A spicy tomato sauce that absolutely blows away any that I’ve ever had and it doesn’t hurt that they put about 3 pounds of cheese on a small pizza. A nice feature they have is that if you want to pick one up, they can partially bake it for you, so you can finish it at home.

Rusty Bucket – Northville, Michigan: Neat little sports bar/pub atmosphere, a whole mess of beer and some seriously tasty food. They have this sandwich called the “Italian Torpedo” that is out of this world. It consists of a slab of Italian sausage topped with cappicola, salami, provolone, lettuce, tomato, onion, peppers and Italian dressing. Go figure, I try the place in Michigan to find out it’s a chain from Columbus. Oh, and look, they have a location in Solon.

Zingerman’s Deli – Ann Arbor, Michigan: While exploring Ann Arbor a local vendor told us that we must visit Zingerman’s before we leave, I could kiss that woman. This place is unbelievable. It’s a deli, bread bakery, cheese shop, coffee shop, pastry bakery and chocolatier all rolled into one store. We were there on a Saturday and the place was jam packed with people looking to get a sandwich from the deli and I can vouch that their Reuben is worth every minute you have to wait for it. If it’s food or related to food there is a good place these guys sell it. I would have loved to have had a whole day there, but luckily they have an online catalog where you can order a number of their products.

• Master Pizza – Painesville, Ohio
• Maxim’s – Mentor, Ohio
• California Pizza Kitchen – Lyndhurst, Ohio
• Ianiro’s Deli – Chardon, Ohio
• The Hoagie Shop – Painesville, Ohio

But that all changed yesterday when my wife talked me into Mama Roberto’s for lunch. She said the calzones were delicious and I was inclined to believe the girl. Plus there is an added benefit to a calzone that you regular folk may not know, but this bit of wisdom has been passed down through generations of fat men: Calzones are always preferable to pizzas. They’ve both got all the same ingredients, but if you eat a whole pizza you are fat pig. If you eat a whole calzone, you’re just hungry. It’s all about perception people.

I perceive the calzones at Mama Roberto’s to be absolutely delicious (See how I did that there). I opted for the sausage and kalamata olive calzone and it couldn’t have been better. They make their own sausage, so you can forget about those little rabbit turds that everyone else uses. Also unlike most other calzones they use ricotta in theirs which I didn’t think would be the greatest idea, but I must say it added a very nice flavor and texture.

A calzone will set you back about $10, but even my big ass couldn’t eat the whole thing at one sitting. I also too must mention the service. It’s a mom and pop shop and they really treat you like family from the moment you step in the door. I like that. I think you will too. Give Mama Roberto’s a shot.

Mama Roberto’s
8658 Mentor Avenue
Mentor, OH 44060-6140
(440) 205-8890

• Longo’s Pizzeria
• Winking Lizard – Mentor, Ohio
• J’s Pizza Market – Mentor, Ohio
• White House Cook Book
• Maxim’s – Mentor, Ohio

My favorite thing there is the Iskender which is pieces of seasoned lamb meat (think gyro) served over the top of a bed of crispy pita chips with a tomato butter sauce, and a side of homemade yogurt. The grease from the meat softens the pita chips much like some good pulled pork will soak into bread. The yogurt cuts right through the salty richness of the dish, making for an amazing meal.

If you have time for an appetizer, I’d suggest the dip sampler. Everyone of them is excellent, although their homemade pitas are so good you could eat just about anything on them.

Skip their baklava though.  It’s not that great and way overpriced.

Anatolia Cafe
2270 Lee Rd.
Cleveland Heights, OH 44118
216-321-4400

• Smoked Pork Nachos
• Harry Buffalo – Painesville, Ohio
• How to Make Pita Bread
• Eatingcleveland.com’s Best Recipes
• The Updupi Cafe – Parma Hts.

Long time readers here (a.k.a. only my Mom) may remember a post or two about Don Tequila. Well I’ve been there a couple of times recently and I thought I needed to give them some time. 

They offer a good variety of Mexican dishes at reasonable prices, and I’m always happy with what I order.  But what I really love about the place is the people that work there. Everyone is so unbelievably friendly. They make you feel like family when you eat there, and I appreciate that. They joke around with my son just to make him laugh, it’s always a fun time going to Don Tequila.

Just FYI: I know it is a franchise, with locations all over Northeastern Ohio, but I’m talking of the Mentor location here.

• Nick’s Gyros #1 – Mentor, Ohio
• Scooter’s Dawg House
• Master Pizza – Painesville, Ohio
• GOTTA LOVE DON TEQUILA
• Maxim’s – Mentor, Ohio

A few months back a friend told me about this crazy little sub shop in Downtown Willoughby where you can get these enormous submarine sandwiches for $4. I asked what the name of it was.  With a bit of hesitation, she said “What about Bob’s Subs”.  Ummm, come again?  Who the hell would name a restaurant that? 

The smartest goddamn guy in the world, that’s who.

Whomever owns this joint has to be smart because he’s doling out ridiculously good footlong subs for $4. If that’s not a big F-U to Jared, I don’t know what is. Got a hankering for two feet of sandwich? That will only set you back $7.  Take a look at that sandwich up top there.  That’s two feet of Italian goodness.  Not enough for you?  Let’s admire that beauty another way over here on the right:

God is that sexy.

It’s What’s on the Inside that Counts

And you might think that they’d use really crappy ingredients to be able to afford to sell a $4 sub, but that’s not the case.  I don’t know where they get their bread from but it is crusty and flavorful, the perfect base for salty deli meats and cheeses. Whenever I go I get the Ultimate Italian with cappicola, salami, prosciutto, hot peppers, garlic, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, provolone cheese and Bob’s ultimate sub sauce.  I don’t know what they put in that “ultimate sauce”, but it’s damn near euphoric.

Oh, don’t skip the peppers, they’re freakin’ awesomeness.

There are 10 different subs to choose from and they are all very good. They also have wraps and salads, but those are for sissies.

Two Bad Parts About What About Bob’s

I was in the grocery store the other day when I saw this fat guy in a butcher’s uniform waving his arms around like he was being attacked by bees.  You may not know this but there is a secret fat guy code that requires other fat guys to come to the aide of any other fat guy in need.  So I rushed over to see what was going on.  It turns out there were no bees.  The dude was very excitingly talking about this new sub shop where they have super cheap subs. 

Take a guess what that was. 

If portly men are openly discussing restaurants you can bet your ass that the place is going to start to get busy.  That’s what’s happening with What About Bob’s, so I’d suggest calling your order in if you’d like to pick it up around lunch or dinner time. Their number is below.

The second problem with Bob’s is that it is just about damn near impossible to find unless you’ve got a GPS with you. The best way to describe their location is to say that it’s on the little street that you have to turn down to get to the parking lot of Willoughby Brewing Co. and Gavi’s.  You dig?

What about Bob’s Subs
38233 Glenn Ave.
Willoughby, OH 44094
440-951-9700

• The Fat Man Travels
• Country Bob’s All Purpose Sauce
• Burgers, Beers and Breakfast – Willoughby, Ohio
• DiBella’s Old Fashioned Subs – Warrensville Heights, Ohio
• Longo’s Pizzeria

This actually isn’t the first time that I’ve mentioned Scooter’s in this space, but since it’s been almost three years, I figured I’d give them another shout out.

Here’s 3 reasons why I love Scooter’s:

• Awesome Food
• It’s Cheap
• You Feel Like Family

The menu isn’t anything crazy, it’s basically hot dogs, fries and ice cream, but that’s all three food groups so how can you complain? The dogs are deep fried (hells yes!) and you can get them topped with just about anything you want.  French Fries, including sweet potato, are hand cut when ordered and served in mountainous portions.  Don’t believe me? The small fry, it fills up an entire brown paper bag like your kid would take to lunch.  Plus they’ve got soft serve and hard scooped ice cream, so there really is no reason to eat anywhere else.

And you can’t be the prices at Scooter’s.  Applebee’s and Outback can advertise their awesome dinner deals all they want, but for $5 you can get a huge hotdog, fries and a drink at Scooter’s. 

I always hate going to places where you feel like you don’t belong, like everyone else is a regular, but you’re just some random hippie off the street.  At Scooter’s, you always feel like you below.  The owner, I believe his name his Scott, might just be the nicest damn guy I have ever met.  He greets you as you come in, takes your order and makes sure to say goodbye and thank you when you leave.  When’s the last time you were thanked for buying a hot dog?  Huh?

When you go, because I know you will, make sure you tell him Mark from Eating Cleveland sent you.

Scooter’s Dawg House
9600 Blackbrook Rd.
Mentor, Ohio 44060
440-354-8480

• Scooter’s Dawg House – Mentor, Ohio
• Restaurant Review – Scooter’s Dawg House – Mentor, OH
• The Wing House – Mentor, Ohio
• Winking Lizard – Mentor, Ohio
• Longhorn – Mentor, Ohio