I know what you’re saying. Gourmet pizza, in Chardon? Are you smoking doobies Mark? Alas, I am not.

A few weeks ago the old lady and I were out with our son in beautiful Geauga county when we passed through Chardon Square and saw people waiting on the sidewalk for Noce. My first thought was that they must be giving something away with a John Deere logo on it, we were in Chardon after all.

We were welcomed inside with the rich smell of garlic, down a short hallway to the maitre de’s stand. Once we saw the size of the place, it was no longer a surprise there were people waiting outside. There were maybe 5 or 6 small tables tightly packed into the dining area, everyone of them filled.

Since we had brought a two year old who wasn’t interesting in waiting for pizza, regardless of how awesome it may be, we made the decision to get it to go. Trying decide on just one of the pizzas on the menu was tough, every one of them sounded delicious, but I settled on the sausage-mushroom-gorgonzola-garlic pizza.

Oh shit that was good pizza. All of the topping were of very high quality, especially the sausage which met my ridiculously high “fat man” standards. The combination of all the flavors was perfect with the salty richness of the sausage being cut by the tangy cheese and sweet pieces of roasted garlic. Crispy crust on the thin-side made for an excellent base. One of the best pizzas I’ve had in a very long time.

Check out Noce Pizza in Chardon, they are right on the square.

Noce Gourmet Pizzeria
125 Main St.
Chardon, OH 44024
440-279-0303

• California Pizza Kitchen – Lyndhurst, Ohio
• Master Pizza – Painesville, Ohio
• McNulty’s Bier Market in Downtown Cleveland
• Tasty Pizza – Lyndhurst, Ohio
• Best Pizza in Cleveland – Mamma Santa’s

July 3-10 is COSE’s annual Northeastern Ohio Buy Local Week, a cause I happily support. The goal of the week is to have as many people as possible pledge to redirect $100 to local businesses and follow through with that pledge. I’ve made my pledge and suggest you make yours because for every $100 you spend in NEO, $45 of it stays right here. You can pledge your support here and if you do you’ll get a discount card you can use at 40 local businesses.

Being a fat guy, I’d suggest you spend that $100 on Northeastern Ohio food. In addition to having some of the best chefs and restaurants in this country, there are fabulous small-scale food producers and fresh farmers markets across the area. Here’s 11 ways you can spend your $100 on local food during the week of July 3-10, feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments:

1. Grab a couple of pints of East Coast Frozen Custard.
2. Lunch at Lola.
3. Buy all of your produce at your local farmers market.
4. Mow on a Parmageddon at Melt.
5. Chill out with a 6-pack of Lake Erie Monster from Great Lakes Brewing.
6. Find your nearby Mom & Pop pizza shop, you deserve it.
7. Mounds and mounds of Greenhouse Tavern fries.
8. Pick a few pints of berries, there’s only like 100 places.
9. Find a farmer, buy whatever they got, it’s gonna be good.
10. Local goat cheese is extra creamy.
11. $100 worth of pies is a great way to end any meal.

Photo: Julia Manzerova

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**Before I get going on the food, a big FU to Marc’s in Coventry. “We don’t give change.” In order to park in your parking lot you need change, but you won’t give it out? You can go and get bent Marc.

I asked our waiter what he recommended with meat in it and he suggested the Curt Burger ($7.50). It’s was pretty weak. As you can see from the picture up there it looked like someone threw it up against a wall before they served it to me. For a cheese burger with bacon, onions and mayo, it lacked any real flavor. I was looking for something luscious and juicy, I didn’t get it.

Others in my party were underwhelmed as well. I tasted my wife’s meat pie and it wasn’t anything special. My friend stopped eating her spinach and mushroom pie half way through because it got “gritty”. That’s not pleasant.

While I’m being negative, our service was horrible. Our waiter must have had something very important going on in the kitchen because he was M.I.A. almost the entire time. At one point we even had to ask multiple people for refills. Maybe it’s because we had kids with us, who knows.

The one bright spot was their french fries. Oooh, those bastards are delicious. Crispy and crunchy fresh-cut potatoes, perfect doused in vinegar. Make sure you order those if you go.

It sucks having a crappy meal at a Cleveland landmark, but Tommy’s was definitely not up to par that night.

Tommy’s Restaurant
1824 Coventry Rd.
Cleveland Heights, OH 44118
216-321-7757

• Harry Buffalo – Painesville, Ohio
• Fatburger – Mayfield Heights, Ohio
• bd’s Mongolian Barbeque – Cleveland Heights, Ohio
• Jac’s – Cleveland, Ohio
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Bangkok Thai is on Mayfield Rd in Lyndhurst which is the part after all the exciting stuff and Mayfield, but before all the exciting stuff in Little Italy. It’s in a little strip mall so it’s easy to pass unless you know what it looks like. I’d suggest taking a look at this Google Map street view if you’re not familiar with the area. 

My favorite dish here is the Pad Thai with the clear noodles, medium spicy. It’s so well done, a perfect combination of all the flavors and the medium spice is just right for me. Simplicity is also a plus for this Pad Thai, nothing fancy in it and no crazy garnishes, just what you want when you’re craving those delicious Thai flavors. 

They’ve also got a beef, lemon grass and ginger soup that is spicy enough to flat out kill the H1N1 virus along with most of your taste buds. 

Bangkok Thai has some really excellent standard Thai dishes that I just love. If you temper your expectations on what eating at a restaurant should be, courteous service and whatnot, I’m pretty sure you’ll come out loving Bangkok Thai as well.

**I’d like it to be noted that although I had every opportunity to, I did not once use Bangkok as a pun. But man did I want to. 

Bangkok Thai
5359 Mayfield Rd
Cleveland, OH 44124-2456
(440) 684-1982

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But that all changed yesterday when my wife talked me into Mama Roberto’s for lunch. She said the calzones were delicious and I was inclined to believe the girl. Plus there is an added benefit to a calzone that you regular folk may not know, but this bit of wisdom has been passed down through generations of fat men: Calzones are always preferable to pizzas. They’ve both got all the same ingredients, but if you eat a whole pizza you are fat pig. If you eat a whole calzone, you’re just hungry. It’s all about perception people.

I perceive the calzones at Mama Roberto’s to be absolutely delicious (See how I did that there). I opted for the sausage and kalamata olive calzone and it couldn’t have been better. They make their own sausage, so you can forget about those little rabbit turds that everyone else uses. Also unlike most other calzones they use ricotta in theirs which I didn’t think would be the greatest idea, but I must say it added a very nice flavor and texture.

A calzone will set you back about $10, but even my big ass couldn’t eat the whole thing at one sitting. I also too must mention the service. It’s a mom and pop shop and they really treat you like family from the moment you step in the door. I like that. I think you will too. Give Mama Roberto’s a shot.

Mama Roberto’s
8658 Mentor Avenue
Mentor, OH 44060-6140
(440) 205-8890

• Longo’s Pizzeria
• Winking Lizard – Mentor, Ohio
• J’s Pizza Market – Mentor, Ohio
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• Maxim’s – Mentor, Ohio

My favorite thing there is the Iskender which is pieces of seasoned lamb meat (think gyro) served over the top of a bed of crispy pita chips with a tomato butter sauce, and a side of homemade yogurt. The grease from the meat softens the pita chips much like some good pulled pork will soak into bread. The yogurt cuts right through the salty richness of the dish, making for an amazing meal.

If you have time for an appetizer, I’d suggest the dip sampler. Everyone of them is excellent, although their homemade pitas are so good you could eat just about anything on them.

Skip their baklava though.  It’s not that great and way overpriced.

Anatolia Cafe
2270 Lee Rd.
Cleveland Heights, OH 44118
216-321-4400

• Smoked Pork Nachos
• Harry Buffalo – Painesville, Ohio
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• The Updupi Cafe – Parma Hts.

Long time readers here (a.k.a. only my Mom) may remember a post or two about Don Tequila. Well I’ve been there a couple of times recently and I thought I needed to give them some time. 

They offer a good variety of Mexican dishes at reasonable prices, and I’m always happy with what I order.  But what I really love about the place is the people that work there. Everyone is so unbelievably friendly. They make you feel like family when you eat there, and I appreciate that. They joke around with my son just to make him laugh, it’s always a fun time going to Don Tequila.

Just FYI: I know it is a franchise, with locations all over Northeastern Ohio, but I’m talking of the Mentor location here.

• Nick’s Gyros #1 – Mentor, Ohio
• Scooter’s Dawg House
• Master Pizza – Painesville, Ohio
• GOTTA LOVE DON TEQUILA
• Maxim’s – Mentor, Ohio

A few months back a friend told me about this crazy little sub shop in Downtown Willoughby where you can get these enormous submarine sandwiches for $4. I asked what the name of it was.  With a bit of hesitation, she said “What about Bob’s Subs”.  Ummm, come again?  Who the hell would name a restaurant that? 

The smartest goddamn guy in the world, that’s who.

Whomever owns this joint has to be smart because he’s doling out ridiculously good footlong subs for $4. If that’s not a big F-U to Jared, I don’t know what is. Got a hankering for two feet of sandwich? That will only set you back $7.  Take a look at that sandwich up top there.  That’s two feet of Italian goodness.  Not enough for you?  Let’s admire that beauty another way over here on the right:

God is that sexy.

It’s What’s on the Inside that Counts

And you might think that they’d use really crappy ingredients to be able to afford to sell a $4 sub, but that’s not the case.  I don’t know where they get their bread from but it is crusty and flavorful, the perfect base for salty deli meats and cheeses. Whenever I go I get the Ultimate Italian with cappicola, salami, prosciutto, hot peppers, garlic, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, provolone cheese and Bob’s ultimate sub sauce.  I don’t know what they put in that “ultimate sauce”, but it’s damn near euphoric.

Oh, don’t skip the peppers, they’re freakin’ awesomeness.

There are 10 different subs to choose from and they are all very good. They also have wraps and salads, but those are for sissies.

Two Bad Parts About What About Bob’s

I was in the grocery store the other day when I saw this fat guy in a butcher’s uniform waving his arms around like he was being attacked by bees.  You may not know this but there is a secret fat guy code that requires other fat guys to come to the aide of any other fat guy in need.  So I rushed over to see what was going on.  It turns out there were no bees.  The dude was very excitingly talking about this new sub shop where they have super cheap subs. 

Take a guess what that was. 

If portly men are openly discussing restaurants you can bet your ass that the place is going to start to get busy.  That’s what’s happening with What About Bob’s, so I’d suggest calling your order in if you’d like to pick it up around lunch or dinner time. Their number is below.

The second problem with Bob’s is that it is just about damn near impossible to find unless you’ve got a GPS with you. The best way to describe their location is to say that it’s on the little street that you have to turn down to get to the parking lot of Willoughby Brewing Co. and Gavi’s.  You dig?

What about Bob’s Subs
38233 Glenn Ave.
Willoughby, OH 44094
440-951-9700

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Outback Steakhouse:
http://www.outback.com/foodandmenus/fathersday2009.aspx

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