Being a first time parent, pretty much all of the day to day things involving kids is new to me.  One thing that I had not planned on being so concerned with was my son’s poop.  You see, my son’s digestive system is apparently incompatible with most baby formulas available today and as a result, 80% of the conversations that now occur between my wife and I involve said feces. 

The same thing goes for his doctor and us.  How’s the poop look?  How much poop was there?  How many poops were there?  I can not wait for the day when I no longer am required to discuss bowel movements.

One thing I find humorous about about these conversations is the point where the need arises to compare the consistency to something as a reference.  You could say the poop was like caulk or paint, but no.  For some unknown reason, the poop always ends up being compared to some kind of food.  So I present to you:

7 Foods Doctors Have Compared My Son’s Poop To

1. Milk – Ahh, refreshing delicious cow milk.  We were told in the beginning to be on the lookout for “milky poop” as it may be a sign that he isn’t digesting his formula properly.

2. Chocolate Taffy – I remember those days when the chocolate taffy would get stuck between my teeth, I’d try and wrench it out with my tongue.  This poop is bad in bambinos because it acts like a plug and let me tell you, you don’t want to see what it’s holding in.

3. Mustard – This was one of the first stool-to-food comparisons.  I thought there might have been something wrong with our son, but the doctor assured us that at a few weeks old formula fed babies will have poop that looks like whole grain mustard.  I could go for a hot dog right now, you?

4. Peas – Baby poop with little hard peas in it is bad.  Kind of along the lines of that chocolate taffy above.  The worst part is that the doctor asked us to squeeze the peas if they ever came up, so we could let her know how hard they were.  Sounds like a Mom job.

5. Yogurt – Coming in a bit thicker milky stool is yogurt stool.  I think we might of seen this one a few times, it sure as hell wasn’t white though.  I have no fathomable idea how you can put in all white and you get a rainbow out the other side.

6. Pudding – An obvious one sure, but it is pretty scary how closely my son of three months is able to reproduce this delectable dessert.  Thick and sticky, I’m licking my lips just thinking about it.

7. Peanut butter – This is, by far, the most common food to poop comparison because it is the antithesis of baby poop perfection.  However, I consider its effectiveness as a comparative weak as my wife and I have had dozens of arguments in regards to what is in fact peanut butter like. 

Photos: Dano, Markhillary, Lin Pernille, Wordridden, Gaetan Lee, HFB, Oskay

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